


Grateful

by lmeow



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Gender Dysphoria, I love my son, Internalized Transphobia, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, eggsy gets a binder for the first time, mentioned jamal and ryan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 13:29:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20310295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lmeow/pseuds/lmeow
Summary: That’s right. Eggsy was always and always will be grateful.





	Grateful

**Author's Note:**

> tw: depicted body/gender dysphoria and internalized transphobia
> 
> DISCLAIMER: i am a transboy myself so writing this was mostly based off my own experiences and feelings!! 
> 
> if you don't like this headcanon, you may kindly leave. for those who like it, enjoy!!

On September 6, 1991, a girl was born. This girl had no particular relevance in the world really. She was just another baby born to an average mother and an average father. If you do the math right, it pretty much makes her just an average girl, don’t it? 

Oh, how he wished it was just like that. 

How he wished everything just stayed average.

It’s now September 6, 2011 and a boy was currently standing before a mirror with his eyes just baring holes into his reflection hoping that maybe— just maybe— he would get a hint. 

Now that he’s older, he needs to realize that this sort of thing isn’t going to just happen because he wants it to or because he wants it so badly.

His hands adjust his jacket and he does his best to stand in a way that makes him more believable. His back straightens, his hands ball into fists beside him, and he raises his chin with a much “tougher” look on his face.

His stupid _feminine_ face.

Shoulders sag and a heavy sigh escapes him, eyes now moving to the floor then returning to the mirror. 

“You’re not makin’ this shite easy, bruv. You’s look like a fuckin’ clown if anythin’.” He says, the person in his mirror just saying it right back at him. “Clowns wear lotsa stuff to ‘ide who they actually are, y’know.”

Silence follows and then he lowers his head again with his hand pulling at his shirt so it doesn’t hug tightly around the chest area. Fucking hell. This wasn’t making him feel any better, but he had to improve his mood even in the slightest if this day was going to go the way he expected it to.

Eggsy’s birthday was today; his birthday. 

This day had somehow fallen into a routine along the years. It’s not that Eggsy hated it or was tired of it— he’s just used to it by now.

The morning involves a special breakfast to which is then followed up with his mom surprising him with a gift. The gift usually ends up being either new clothes, cash from work, or maybe, if he’s lucky, some new kicks. Either way, Eggsy was always grateful and he made sure to show it. 

The afternoon is then spent with Jamal and Ryan either at the pub or fucking around elsewhere if the other two had something special planned. Occurrences like that were rare though, but Eggsy was grateful nonetheless. 

Then finally, the day ends with a special dinner out with his mother and baby sister. It was often at this cheap diner near their apartment with a cake from a cheap bakeshop pulled out right after the main course. There would be times where Michelle would insist on somewhere new when she had extra to spend but Eggsy declined the offer every time with a simple, “We gots to save up for more important things, mum, but thank you. Spendin’ time with m’family is more than ‘nough.”

That’s right. Eggsy was always and always will be grateful for this routine despite it being the same thing every year. The only time it was different was back when he was still celebrating it with a whole different name.

He would like to forget about that though. Maybe for another day.

To be able to start the routine, he needs to get out of his room to greet his mom in the kitchen who was probably cooking up something for breakfast right about now.

However, his feet seem to be glued to the ground due to the fact he’s been standing in the same place for about twenty minutes. As much as Eggsy wanted to get out there and start the day already, it seems the heavy weight within him was stopping him. 

Dysphoria always did feel so goddamn heavy. His chest didn’t help with lightening the feeling at all.

Just when he thought that he could finally bring himself to move, a knock on the door was heard and his mum’s voice follows after it. 

“Babe?” She says. “May I come in?”

Eggsy and Michelle had come to this mutual agreement that she would always knock before entering his room just in case he didn’t have a shirt on or anything to cover his body. It meant a lot to him and she still has yet to understand why he made it such a big deal. “Respecting my son shouldn’t be made a big fuss about,” was usually her reply and god— if only she knew just how much he would do for her.

“Yeah. Door’s open.” He retorts, brows furrowed in confusion as he watches the doorknob twist along with the door opening. 

Michelle enters the room with a soft smile, her eyes just scanning her boy from top to bottom as her hands clutched onto something wrapped in manila paper. Eggsy shifts a bit under her gaze, his hand rubbing the back of his neck as the other pulled up the zipper of his jacket even further in hopes of doing something to hide his chest. 

“Mum, is there—” 

“You look very good, Eggsy. Handsome.” She cuts him off immediately, unable to help herself from saying something.

A small laugh escapes him. “You’re jus’ sayin’ tha’ ‘cause it’s m’birthday, mum.” 

She scoffs and approaches him as she let’s down the wrapped item she was holding onto Eggsy’s bed. Delicate hands find themselves onto each side of his face and it makes him flinch away for a second before he eases into the touch. No matter how horrible he’s feeling, his mother would never fail to make him feel better even if it was by a smidgen.

“I say it even when it isn’t your birthday, silly.” She sternly says as she pats at his left cheek that just makes him scrunch his nose. “Which really just means I say it because it’s true. Not just because I’m your mum or some other rubbish excuse your brain comes up with.”

A warm smile appears on his face at that and a little bit of the dysphoria fades off. She really knew just what to say sometimes despite the words being so simple. His thanks comes off unsaid yet known through the expression he gives her to which she then mimics but much better and much more real. 

His eyes proceed to land on his bed now, a hand slipping out of his jacket to point to what he thinks is his birthday gift. “S’that it?”

Michelle follows his finger for a moment before returning her attention to his face. “Yes. This gift is a bit… special compared to the others.”

A soft groan. Frustration and guilt. “Mum, you’s really didn’t need to—” Then a finger stops him mid-sentence along with a shushing noise.

“I did, son; I needed to. Especially now that you’re twenty,” is all Michelle ends up saying before she’s picking the present up and handing it over to him with a genuine smile. “Happy birthday, Eggsy. You deserve this.”

The words she uses to hype the supposed gift was making him nervous. The way she described it made it seem so expensive and all that churned in his stomach was nothing but guilt. It was enough that being a transboy made his mother’s life a little bit harder— he really didn’t need to feel like much more of a burden.

Either way, he takes the gift and offers a half-hearted smile as well as a kiss on her forehead. “Thanks, mum. Seriously.”

“Oh, quit it. You haven’t even seen what it is yet,”

“Any gift from you is somethin’ I’m thankful for. ‘ell, mum, you’s already a gift to me. You and Daisy.” 

There’s a roll of her eyes before she’s patting his cheek again. “Just open the gift already, babe.”

A laugh bubbles out of him. That’s his mum; always such a sweetheart and always in a rush when it came to things that excite her. She was just as impatient as he is.

Eyes trailing down to the gift in hand, he clutches onto it to maybe get a clue as to what it was. It wasn’t thick or bulky, and neither was it some sort of hard item. It felt like a shirt that was folded neatly to be able to handle minimal wrapping. Yeah, it was probably some shirt that had the logo of one of his favorite bands or something.

Eggsy begins unwrapping it slowly and the more he did, the more he was realizing that maybe he was wrong in his assumption. Every time he ripped into the paper and revealed more of what his mother got him, his heart kept stopping then going again. 

_Don’t get your hopes up_, beat, _don’t expect too much_, beat, _don’t think it’s—_

With all the wrapping finally off, his jaw slacks agape and his hands begin to shake along with his shoulders. Tears that weren’t there instantly find themselves clinging onto dear life at the corners of his widened eyes. 

“You… You fuckin’ didn’t—” He whispers softly, voice shaky as one hand comes to clasp over his mouth once he feels the tears flowing down his face.

Michelle laughs, arms hugging herself as she watched her son stare down at what she had gotten him. “I did. It’s not the best but it was manageable with some of our savings. You did tell me to save up for more important things, didn’t you?”

Eggsy was at a loss for words. He could barely think much less speak. Shit, shit, shit— she really got him one.

His head finally raises and he’s looking into his mother’s eyes with his own tear-filled ones. He sniffles some before speaking with a hoarse voice, “A bloody binder. Mum, you got me… my first binder.” Without another word, he’s rushing

towards her and wrapping her into a tight embrace, eyes closed shut as the tears kept coming. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh my god, mum, you’re the fuckin’ best. Fuck.”

Another laugh let’s loose as she smacks him lightly at the back of his head. “Stop with the cursing, Eggsy. Fucking taught you better than that.” She then pulls away briefly, eyes now fixated on his as her thumbs begin to wipe away at his wet cheeks. As she did so, her own eyes find themselves gaining the tears she just wiped away. 

Eggsy’s face suddenly shifts to a worried expression. “M-Mum?”

“...O-Oh, Eggsy, babe, I—” Cupping his face again, she firmly holds onto it and shakes it a bit as she forces a smile despite the sobbing that she’s trying to hold in. She fails and it was obvious from the way her makeup was beginning to run down her face. “I-I’m so sorry, love. I’m sorry if I ever made it hard for you. I’m sorry if it took me a while to understand you and what you must be going through. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t better at supporting you and—”

Now it was his turn to shut her up with a finger to her lips and a shushing noise. Once she does, he pushes a strand of her hair into the back of her ear before returning the favor by wiping her tears as well. 

“This sort of thing is ‘ard, I knows tha’, but you still ended up givin’ me more support and love than I could ever ask for. Jus’ ‘cause you don’t understand don’t mean you’re a ‘orrible mum. You still tried to instead of pushin’ me away.” He’s cupping her face now, the binder sandwiched between her cheek and his right hand. He brings her forehead to his and smiles all the while. “You ‘ave no idea ‘ow proud and grateful I am to ‘ave you as m’mum.”

And just like that, the tears are back and she is outright sobbing in front of him. She pulls him into a hug again, now completely drenching his shirt with her tears as her hands rubbed away at his back. “I love you so much, darling. You really do deserve this.”

Those words felt so heavy as it weighed down on him if he were to be honest. He deserved this? Did he really? It felt wrong in a sense but god did it feel so right at the same time. Like yes, maybe he did actually deserve this. Maybe for once he should let himself have this one thing after enduring everything else for years on end. All the bullying, all the laughing, and all the disgusted faces made his way; he beared it all and was still here in the end.

So yeah— maybe for once he gets something good out of it and actually takes it willingly without doubting that he’s worthy of it.

“Are you going to try it on?” 

His mother’s voice interrupts his thoughts and he can’t help but stare at her, processing everything that had been happening for the past few minutes. Eventually, he nods silently and she does it right back in confirmation before walking out the door and closing it behind her. He needed the privacy after all.

Once she was completely out of the room, Eggsy then proceeds to face the mirror, a shaky breath drawn and released afterwards whilst he kept eyes on his reflection. Only his chest was going to change but it was still something huge for Eggsy; it was a big fucking step and he was going to take it.

Not wanting to wait a single second more, he removes his jacket, shirt, and bra before slipping on the binder. Call him overdramatic or whatever, but it feels like his heart stops the moment he had it on. Everything around him just stops and all that ended up mattering was this: him and his chest that suddenly just didn’t exist.

Shaky hands come to hold onto his chest that currently was being covered by the binder, running up and down it with a loud wheeze that immediately turns into a choked laugh. Fuck, he’s crying again but he doesn’t care. It was a tight feeling if he was ever to use a specific word for it, but it was also a new welcomed feeling.

It was a feeling he will welcome time and time again.

Without another word, Eggsy leans towards the mirror and just ends up wrapping his arms around it, sobbing as loudly as he could.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> my twitter is @transboyeggy and i would like to personally thank the trans eggsy gc for giving me the idea to write this!


End file.
